We’re all a bit stunned by the selection of Pittsburgh as the site of the G20. It’s sort of how I might feel if George Clooney called me for a date. (George, if you read this, I’m free Friday.)

Without a thought to the pros and cons of the political issues surrounding the G20, or the inevitable protests, I believe we all agree that Pittsburgh will need to look its best before the unparalleled world attention. Our local politicians are scurrying to deal with security, police response to protests, logistics and all that stuff, but my reaction is more aligned with that of any typical woman who gets a call that company is on the way. OMG, dust the cat hair off the coffee table!

Pittsburgh has extraordinary virtues. Most of the country thinks of us as backwater and rust belt, a place with no fun to offer, second only to Cleveland in undesirability. Well, they’re wrong. Those of us who live here know that, and that’s why we are so emotionally attached to the town. Pittsburgh will finally be revealed as a wonderful, relatively safe, green and affordable place; America’s most livable city as Rand McNally told you all twice.

But there is one problem: it is probably America’s filthiest city. We’re pigs for some reason. We throw trash everywhere. The roads and sidewalks are disgusting. Stop at a red light and you see clots of McDonald’s debris, beer cans, plastic bags, on and on, no end. It’s depressing in the slushy winter grayness and it stinks in the oppressive heat and humidity of summer. The business district in Squirrel Hill, one of our more upscale urban neighborhoods, reeks like garbage on a summer evening. There are spots on the sidewalk concrete that are crusted with grease from restaurant garbage.

Much of Pittsburgh’s ethnic heritage persists generations after our immigrants were assimilated. At risk of resorting to stereotypes, I can still picture the little Polish grannies on the Southside sweeping their stoops, and the Italians in Bloomfield carefully tending tiny yards. The general home maintenance here is about the same as in other cities. Most homeowners seem to do the best they can to paint and repair, plant flower beds and spiff up their exteriors. Why then do they throw their pizza boxes over the hillside while at the red light? I suspect it’s not homeowners, but younger people who do this, again risking stereotype. Hello, Pittsburghers, it’s not okay to toss the kid’s dirty diaper out the car window in the Kmart parking lot.

Before the All-Star game in 2006, our mayor organized a huge “Redd Up Pittsburgh” campaign, knowing we had to do something or risk national embarrassment. For non-natives, let me explain that “redd up” is Pittsburghese for “clean up”, as in “Geez, yinz better redd up before the Stiller party.”

Yes, Pittsburgh, the leaders of the free world are about to be pulling into the driveway. Get the dirty dishes out of the sink, pick up the socks off of the floor, and shoo the cat off the top of the microwave. And put that dirty diaper in the garbage can.